SMILES: Missing Scenes
by Patcat
Summary: My take


A bit late, but my take.

SMILES: MISSING SCENES

"It's too late," Alex said and walked out of the office. She was nearly at the elevator before she realized Bobby wasn't in his usual position directly behind her. She turned and saw him moving slowly and hesitantly through the office. The room's inhabitants were desperately trying to simultaneously avoid any eye contact with the representatives of the NYPD and to see as much as possible of what was going on. Bobby reached Alex and stared at his feet. The uniforms hustled Le Zard into a neighboring elevator. The closing of the elevator's door ended her diatribe against Bobby, Alex, the NYPD, the FDA, her bosses, and the stupid kids.

"What a piece of work," Alex shook her head. "I wonder why nobody caught her lies before."

Bobby shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other beside Alex. The second elevator door opened, and Bobby and Alex entered. Bobby hugged the wall farthest away from Alex.

"You ok?" she asked, casting a skeptical eye on him.

He fumbled with his binder. "Uh…yea…"

Alex leaned back against the wall. "I loved it when you grabbed that inhaler, Bobby. Brilliant…just brilliant…You got her good…And did she deserve it…There are moments I really enjoy being your partner." She smiled at him. He stared at the floor, and his reaction surprised her. Before she could speak to him again, the elevator door sprang open.

They didn't have a chance to speak to each other again until much later. Alex rode with the uniforms who brought Le Zard in ("She keeps yelling about police brutality every time we touch her," one of the cops said. "We'd appreciate having a detective with us."). Alex's presence appeared to quiet Le Zard, who spent much of the drive to One Police Plaza glaring daggers into the back of Alex's head. Alex rarely felt the need to explain anything to a perp, but as they rode in the elevator to the eleventh floor, she addressed the woman's accusations.

"You got it wrong," Alex said softly.

Le Zard glared at her.

"My partner is junior only because he's got fewer years on the force and in Major Case. He's a first grade detective, just like me."

Le Zard looked confused.

Alex smiled. "You don't even know what that means. Goren's been a senior partner. Wasn't crazy about it. We've been partners so long we're really not sure who's senior. And I've never wanted to be part of the Brass. Never even checked on the exam dates. Not everyone wants to be a paper pusher who stabs people in the back."

Le Zard's confusion grew.

"You don't know anything about the NYPD," Alex said, her attention on the elevator's flashing numbers. "And you know less about Detective Goren and me. You never played him. He saw through your concerned whistleblower routine pretty quickly."

Le Zard's jaw dropped. "He…he believed me…"

"Oh, please." Alex rolled her eyes. "Who do you think found out you didn't graduate from Yale? Who found out you never finished a marathon?" The elevator door sprang open. "I bet the closest you've come to a marathon is looking down at one passing by your apartment."

The remainder of Le Zard's processing was a silent affair. The woman refused to speak or react aside from sending murderous looks at Alex and Bobby, and Bobby was lost in his thoughts. Alex caught Bobby giving her quick, sad, uncertain looks, but lately they gave each other a lot of sad, uncertain looks. Le Zard's continued arrogance and dismissal of the dead children infuriated Alex to the point that Bobby's silence scarcely registered with her. When it did, Alex assumed that Bobby was so angry that he didn't trust his voice.

"Nice job," Ross said as they finished the initial processing. "You did a good job of digging beyond the surface." He smiled wryly. "But then the two of you always dig beyond the surface."

"Thanks," Alex said. "I trust you'll put in a good word for us with the Brass." She glanced at Bobby, and was surprised by the stricken look that crossed his face.

Ross missed Bobby's unhappy expression. "Of course…I'll make sure you get the credit you deserve," he said as he turned to go back to his office

"Good," Alex declared. "Lord knows we get blamed for everything." She'd dealt with several forms before she realized that Bobby had been staring at his computer screen for several minutes. He looked terribly tired and lost, almost as lost as he'd appeared the first days after his mother's death. "He's been so good to me lately," Alex thought. "He tried so hard not to hurt me during the investigation of Kevin's murder…I thought we got past that…What's got him upset…Surely not what that woman said…"

She leaned towards Bobby. "Hey," she said softly. "The sooner we get this paperwork done, the sooner we get out of here."

Bobby started and reached for a form.

Alex stood and walked by Bobby. "Listen," she whispered. "I'd really appreciate it if…if you'd come home with me tonight."

His hands hovered over his keyboard. "You're sure?" Alex could scarcely hear him.

"Of course. You…you don't have plans…"

"No," Bobby said quickly. "It's…it's just…I thought you might not want me around…"

Puzzled, Alex tried to fathom why Bobby wouldn't look at her. "Of course I want you around," she said. "We're ok…We've talked about Joe and Kevin…"

"Ok," Bobby said, but everything about him said that it was definitely not ok.

Alex decided a strategic retreat was the best policy. She returned to her desk, but as she dealt with paperwork she chanced occasional looks at Bobby, who moved slowly and deliberately as if he were underwater.

"What's bugging him?" Alex thought. "Did Le Zard get to him? I know he hoped she was what she seemed to be…But she mostly made him angry…She didn't play him…He's been at his best in this case…Was it what she said about us? But he knows she doesn't understand how the NYPD works…He know that I don't want to be part of the Brass…That our partnership is one of the best things…" She chewed thoughtfully on her pen. "Maybe he thinks I'm still hurt about his digging into Joe's case…Or maybe it's got something to do with his Mom…" Alex shook her head. "Damn…with Bobby it could be so many things."

Bobby cautiously raised his eyes to look at Alex. He knew she was also sneaking glances at him. "Probably wondering how she wound up with the Department's "whack job"…How her life got so mixed up with mine…" A heavy weight filled his chest. "I've isolated her…Those friends she lost after Joe's death…Maybe I caused that…" Bobby glanced at Ross' office. "Maybe…maybe it's time…Maybe I've just been fooling myself…" He chanced another look at Alex, who frowned at the forms on her desk. "Maybe there's still time," Bobby thought. "If she gets away from me…"

"He." Alex's voice broke in on his dark thoughts. "You done yet? I'm hungry." She smiled at him, and it broke his heart.

"Maybe," he thought. "Maybe she's given up…And she doesn't know it." He quickly signed the form before him. "Here," he said. "I'll take this pile to Ross if you take these…"

"You are brave tonight," Alex said cheerfully. "But if you're willing to face Ross, so be it. I'll meet you at the elevators."

Bobby nodded and dragged his body to the Captain's office. He'd stopped thinking of it as James Deakins' office before Alex had, but he still found that he missed the baseballs scattered around the room or that he was surprised that the faces of teenaged boys rather than beautiful young women stared at him from the photos on the shelves. Bobby knocked on the office door, entered at the Captain's greeting, and handed off the paperwork.

"Thanks, Detective," Ross said. "And thank you for your work since you've come back…And coming back early."

Bobby waved off the compliments. "Eames," he said. "The credit should go to her…" He stood uncertainly.

"What is it?" Ross asked calmly.

"I…I know I don't have a great reputation about some things," Bobby said hesitantly. "And right now…It's probably as bad as it's ever been…"

"Not with anyone who knows what real good police work is," Ross said.

Bobby reddened. "It's…It's just…" He thought of the two times he'd discussed this subject with Deakins. On both occasions his former captain dismissed Bobby's concerns. "Keep your solve rate up," Deakins told him. "And neither of you will have anything to worry about. And Alex can take care of herself. You're the one I worry about." But Bobby had no idea where he stood with Ross, and he realized with a jolt that at the moment he had no idea where he stood with Alex. Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. Ross waited with wary patience.

"Am I hurting Eames?" Bobby blurted out. "Am I dragging her down with me?" He stared at Ross' desk.

The Captain hesitated for a moment, and Bobby prayed that Ross didn't hear his heart thumping wildly.

"I don't have the impression that you're going down anywhere, Detective," Ross said deliberately. "You've just got a man who was wrongly convicted out of jail. You kept the Department from another rush to judgment and found a cop killer. You got a serial killer to detail his crimes before he was executed." Ross noted that Bobby winced at the last reference. "And you handled this case with remarkable efficiency. If that's a downward trend, I'd like to see what you do on an upswing."

"But…I know…a lot of people aren't happy with the Quinn case…What I did…" Bobby said. He began to pace.

"Detective Goren." A nervous edge entered Ross' voice. "Could you please not do that?"

Bobby stopped and stared at Ross. "Uh…What?"

"The pacing…I'm sorry…It drives me crazy…I'm sorry." Ross looked horribly apologetic. "I know it helps you think…But could you…Just here in my office…It's such a small space…Could you not…just when you're in here…"

"Of…of course…" Bobby stood meekly in front of Ross' desk. "I…I honestly didn't realize…"

"Detective," Ross said patiently. "If it's going to upset you that much, I'd rather you pace."

"It…It's ok," Bobby said. He blinked and took a deep breath. "Eames…Am I hurting her?"

"Maybe…if she were a political creature…If she cared about being part of or what the Brass thought…But you know her, Detective, certainly better than me…She doesn't want that…" He studied Bobby. "What brought this on?"

"Something…a suspect said," Bobby admitted, embarrassed that Le Zard's words had found a mark. "But…It's something…" Bobby stared at the floor, and Ross marveled that such a large man could look so small. "She…Eames is such a great cop…and person…And…It's in the back of my head…That I could be hurting her chances…"

"You're not a bad cop, Goren," Ross said quietly. "You're certainly a great detective, even if I do think you think too much." He smiled at Bobby's quick glance. "You and Eames are a great team. It may have taken me a year to realize that, but you are. You're not holding her back. She has lots of friends and supporters in this department."

There was a knock at the door and a wary Alex entered the office. "So," she said cautiously. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Ross replied genially. "Just clearing up a point."

Bobby nodded. "Thank you, Captain," he said as he followed a curious Alex out of the office.

Bobby said little as they left One Police Plaza and Alex drove to her house. Alex, by contrast, was in an expansive mood, discussing the prospects for selling her house and her nephew's recent accomplishments. Huddled in the passenger seat, Bobby watched as Alex smiled as she spoke about her family. Ross' words of assurance faded as Bobby wondered if he kept Alex from another, better life. They stopped at her favorite restaurant for takeout, and Bobby paid for dinner. "Thanks," Alex said cheerfully as they reached her apartment. While she ate hungrily and eagerly, Bobby moved his food from one side of his plate to the other. She didn't have to ask him to clear or wash the dishes; Bobby wordlessly gathered, rinsed, and placed them in the dishwasher as Alex took her shower. Taking a T-shirt and boxers from the drawer recently set aside for the few articles of his clothes that had drifted into Alex's home, Bobby passed by Alex as she left the bathroom. "See you soon," she smiled, and he spent his shower trying to clear his thoughts as much as washing his body.

He stood at Alex's bedroom door. She sat up reading in the bed. He noted, with some surprise, that it was a title he'd mentioned in passing to her several weeks ago. Her skin glowed from her shower, and she was as relaxed as Bobby could remember since the conclusion of the reinvestigation of her husband's murder. As Bobby looked at her, the familiar feelings of love and fear pulsed in his chest. The terrible, quiet voice began the chant in his head.

"You're not good enough for her. You're hurting her. You're holding her back. You don't deserve her. You're not good enough for her…"

He turned away.

"Bobby." Her gentle voice broke in on his dark thoughts. "Where are you going?"

"I thought…" He didn't turn back to face her but tilted his head in the direction of her voice. "You…you might want to…to be alone…"

"I just got you back," she answered gently. "Why would I want to be alone?"

Alex saw the tension in his back. She tried to gage his mood. He was unnaturally quiet, event for Bobby, even for Bobby at a time like this.

He began rubbing his neck. "I just thought…"

"Bobby…" A terrible thought crossed Alex's mind. "Do you…Don't you want to be here?"

He spun so quickly to face her that he nearly smacked his elbow against the door frame. His eyes shone with pain and fear. "Of course…yes. I want…There's no where else…but…but…"

"C'mon, Bobby…What's eating you? You've been down all night. It wasn't what that Le Zard woman said…"

"A…a little," Bobby said, wondering how he could tell Alex that she had stabbed him with three words.

"Bobby…We've been through this," Alex said with a touch of exasperation. "Don't tell me you even want to be a senior partner again." She tried to smile. "As if that matters between us."

"Uh…no…" He started to pace, and jerked to a halt.

"You can't possibly think that I want to be part of the Brass." Alex became more concerned, but tried to maintain an even tone in her voice. "I've said it before. I'm not in this job to get noticed."

"But…" Bobby rocked on his feet. "What if…what if you are getting noticed? But in the wrong way?" His voice trailed away so that Alex barely heard the last words.

"Oh, no," she thought. "It wasn't what that woman said…It's what I said…" She swallowed. "Bobby." Her voice wavered. "Talk to me. That's the mistake we always make. We don't talk to each other…"

"Nothing," Bobby mumbled. "Nothing is…I'm just not sure…"

Alex stood and walked to him. "What are you not sure of?" she asked. "Did I do something? Say something?" She tentatively placed a hand on his chest. Beneath his shirt's soft cotton, she felt his nerves and muscles quiver.

He couldn't look her in the eyes and stared at a spot over her head. "When…when you said it was too late…" He swallowed.

Alex's heart pounded furiously. "Oh, God," she thought. "He thinks…How could he think…"

He started to back away from her, but she caught his hands.

"Ok," Alex thought. "This is Bobby Goren. The most brilliant man in the world at reading people. Except for himself and the people close to him."

"Bobby," she asked gently. "What did you think I meant?"

His eyes grew huge and dark. He shook his head, but didn't try to pull away from her. "That…That it was too late…That I've ruined…Ruined your reputation…Ruined any chance you might have had…And…And worse than that…" He imploded and slumped forward, his head touching hers. "You…You deserve…a prince…a great guy who'll…give you everything…not some "whack job" who…who…" He choked.

She released his hands and seized his face. "Bobby…Look at me…"

He glanced at her but couldn't hold her gaze.

"Bobby…I have a prince…a great guy…I have you…"

Bobby shook, and Alex guided him to the bed.

"When I said it's too late," she said gently. "I meant that…that I didn't care about what other people think…that I knew who you were…That I know that you're my partner…in my work and my life…and that's what I want."

She sat next to him on the bed and held his hand. "We've talked about this, Bobby…We've talked about it a lot. I don't know where you got this idea that I'm giving up anything for you…You give me so much."

Bobby stared at their hands. "I…I know…We've talked…But…But…Everything that's happened…I…What I did during the Quinn case…I hurt you…And if we're honest…Working with me…"

"Working with you," Alex declared. "Has made me part of a team with one of the best solve rates in the NYPD. Working with you has made me think about and look at things in ways I could never imagine. I'm a better cop for working with you, Bobby. If any other cop can't see that…well, they're idiots and their opinions don't matter. And as far as my personal life is concerned…" She held his hand tightly. "Before I met you…Bobby…I'd never eaten half of the foods you've had me try. I don't like all of them, but I like most of them and love a lot of them. And I never would've tried them if it hadn't been for you. And books…Do you know how many books I've read because of you? You've made me think about things in ways I never would have." Alex took a deep breath. "I realized…while we were looking at Joe's murder…"

Bobby jerked. "No…You don't have to…"

Alex tenderly touched her fingers to his lips. "Please…Listen, Bobby…I loved Joe…But I realized…The Alex Eames who loved him…She's very different from the Alex I've become…The Alex I am…I…I'm more tolerant…Braver…I know I'm smarter…I know that I like her…And you've had a lot…Maybe everything…to do with making me who I am." She gently cupped Bobby's cheek. "That's part of what I meant about it being too late. If I ever was that Alex…one that cared about what people thought and wanted to be part of the Brass…I'm not her now…And I'm glad I'm not."

Bobby's eyes were closed. He shivered.

"You're not the only one getting something out of this," Alex said softly. "I hope I'm giving you enough."

His eyes sprang open, and Alex reeled at the shock and love she saw there. He wrapped his arms around her.

"Oh…Alex…Alex…How could you think you don't…You give me everything…" He rested his chin on her head.

"Ok," Alex thought. "I hope he heard me…I don't have anything else…Except to hold him."

"I…I know we've talked about all of this," Bobby said softly. The tension slowly left his body as he spoke. "I…I know you thought that we got this settled. But…everything…It just…And…like I've told you, Alex…It…It's so hard for me to trust…" He pulled slightly away from her so that he could look in her eyes. They had lost their wild panic.

"Up here." Bobby pointed to his head. "I know I can trust you…And here…" He tapped his chest. "It knows too. But…" He sighed. "So much in my life has taught me not to trust. So…small things…tiny things…" He shook his head. "Good Lord, Alex…Are you sure about this? You could find…"

"Hey." Alex pulled him to her, and Bobby didn't resist. "You're well-dressed. You smell good. You cook. You're straight. You tell me you love me in languages I didn't know existed. Pretty rare qualities for a guy even in New York City."

Bobby smiled at her and tenderly took her chin in his hand. "You," he whispered. "Are rare and wonderful." He kissed her forehead. "Anywhere…"

Alex blushed and hugged him. "You also do wonderful things to me. And I've missed that in the past weeks."

He returned her hug. "Yea…You do wonderful things to me, too. And I've missed that too. It's just…so much…"

Alex kissed him deeply. "Yea…but now…"

He gently pressed her back on the bed. "Time to makeup?" he asked huskily.

"Yea…"

She slowly, languidly returned from the pleasant fog surrounding her. She knew that making love with Bobby could be a wildly passionate, terrifying experience. It could also be an otherworldly combination of the sensual and spiritual. This had been one of those latter moments, and as much as Alex thrilled to the first type of sessions, the second were even more welcome. Something about Bobby's desperate need for her, his desperate need to please her, led Alex to need Bobby, to want to please him with equal intensity. It was an exhilarating and exhausting experience, and Alex wondered that both she and Bobby retained enough energy to find and hold each other after it. Bobby managed to slip from her body and turn them both so that she now lay curled against his chest. He trembled from their coming together, and the fingers of his right hand curled in her damp hair. She reached for his left hand.

"I love you," Bobby murmured. "So much."

"I love you," Alex answered. "You know, you've spoiled me for anyone else. It's too late."

She felt his smile.

The End


End file.
